Writing my first book was probably the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done. In those six months writing became my therapy. I was able to put all my emotion into and really give it life. It was the first story I had ever completed writing. That being said it was also the most terrifying experience of my life. The book was my baby and sharing it with people (especially people in my life) was so nerve wracking I couldn’t sleep most nights. There’s so much meaning to each character and there is most certainly aspects of my own life thrown in there.
It was like having my body split open for everyone to see. Even now, when people read my work it kills me inside. There’s always this looming fear someone is going to rip it apart, toss it on the ground, and stomp on it. I can tell you from a writers perspective (or maybe it’s just me) I beat myself up about my work than anyone else.
I sit at my computer and write the first draft thinking its the most amazing thing in the world. Then draft two comes around, and it’s shit. I cut it up and rework it thinking ‘this is so much better’. Then draft three strikes, and it feels like my work keeps getting worse. It’s only when the drafts pass through my beta readers and editor that I know it’s not awful. It brings me the peace in mind I need before I actually publish it. Just days before it’s supposed to be published, I have this weird melt down. Of course no one knows I’m having a meltdown, but I am. i worry it’s not good enough or it doesn’t makes sense. Now, I know logically not everyone’s going to like it. People will love it, they’ll think it’s okay, or just any other book and some people will want to shred it to pieces. It’s probably just me being way too self-conscious about what I do.
I ask my siblings about hundred times (literally) if they think the book is good. They tell me ‘yes’, but of course they just want me to go away.
The up side to all this pain is sharing the book with the world. I loved this story the minute it popped into my head. Now I can share it with everyone. And that’s something not many people can say they’ve done.