I can’t tell you how many posts I’ve written in the past hour and have deleted every single one. Most of them have been depressing, but I can’t help it. I told myself I would write honest posts on this blog and in the beginning I did. I’ve written posts about my past, but somewhere along the line I stopped and I want to start again. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m hoping people can benefit from my experiences. I’m not here to drag anyone under a bus, I’m here to express myself and my life as I see it through my eyes. If you don’t like it, I’m not going to apologize.
That’s actually something I read about in another blog post. I’m trying to not apologize as much because I feel like that’s all I ever do. But, back to the point. For now, I’m just going to explain the title of this post and it will probably be followed by other posts about this topic until I get more comfortable talking about it. I’ve been thinking a lot about my past and the one thing that probably fucked me over the most is this idea of an emotional jar. Almost anytime I expressed myself in anyway my feelings would be brushed off into this jar and set in the back of the kitchen cabinet. This may sound stupid to some people, but this is one of the worst feelings in the world. To have your emotions striped of you is not something I would wish upon anyone. This went on for years and in some cases still goes on in my life today. These problems don’t just disappear into air like some people wish. It is haunting. It’s verbal/mental abuse. I don’t even know if mental abuse is a thing, but that’s what it felt like. It’s like being beaten only on your brain which is probably a lot harder to heal.
As I said before, I started out writing a lot of personal blog posts and I intend to continue that. I will try to keep them as up lifting as possible (obviously this is not one of them) but I can’t not write. I hate that for the past few weeks I just starred at my screen because I didn’t want to write a depressing post. But this is reality. There are going to be dark days and light days and recently I’ve been having dark days. I’m not going to shut my mouth about it anymore. I’m not going t pretend everything’s just dandy that makes it worse. That makes me feel crazy. There’s an Arcade Fire quote like “I’d rather be alone than pretend I feel alright.”
From now on, anytime I post about the more depressing topics I will categorize them under emotional jar. After writing all this out, I was considering deleting it along with all the other drafts like it I had, but I’m not. So, here I am in all my craziness world.